


I don't need any of this Mulan bullsh*t

by FabKrab



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Human trolls/cherubs, Multi, Questioning Sexuality, Romance, Slice of Life, Trans Dave, semi-ignorant character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 01:11:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20145100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FabKrab/pseuds/FabKrab
Summary: John and his father are uprooted from their quaint home in the suburbs of Seattle in favor for... Texas? John has to get used to new neighbors, a new school, and some new ideas that have always seemed so far from him. Through a little introspection and some not so subtle pushing, he can figure it all out.





	I don't need any of this Mulan bullsh*t

You are John. Johnathan Nathaniel Egbert, to be exact; but most people just call you John. You live in the suburbs of Seattle, Washington and you are a Sophomore in high school.

You guess saying that you're a Junior would be more accurate, since you just got out of school, but that doesn't matter right now. It's summer break! Summer always marks a time for you to spend some good ol' quality time with your best bros and get up to some wild shenanigans.

You normally go swimming, to amusement parks, and basically anywhere that you can get away from the watchful eye of your parents. You wouldn't leave your friends for anything, and if you had to get separated you have no clue what you'd do. You've grown through elementary and middle school with the friends you have now, and have been basically inseparable since you all first met. The whole group likes to poke fun at each other and play pranks on each other, and they're like your second family. You hum to yourself as you walk home, deep in thought about the fun adventures that you and your friends would have this summer.

Your trek home is rather uneventful to say the least. You wave to some adults sitting on their front porches and kick a ball back to a group of grade school kids who are playing soccer in the local park. It strikes you as a little strange that your phone isn't going off, but you brush it off as your friends being excited about getting out of school and your father being busy. 

Your house slowly comes into view, and something strikes you as rather odd.

Or should you say, a few things. 

First of all, there's a big moving truck in your driveway. Normally this wouldn't faze you since your sister, Jane, normally moves back home from college over the summer so she can spend time with you and the rest of your family. What surprises you is your cousins being there, taking stuff out of your house instead of taking things into it. Your dad stands outside your front door, talking to a man dressed in a suit and filling out some paperwork. Jade and Jake see you and wave enthusiastically. You raise an eyebrow in confusion.

Your dad then spots you, and motions for you to walk closer to him. He seems anxious about something but pats your back with excitement and vigor anyway. He smiles down at you and you give him a nervous smile back. Your arms are crossed and he seems to notice, his expression faltering a little.

"Hello, son!" He exclaims, the grandiose smile back on his face, "How was school? Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, until I came home! What the hell, dad? What's the meaning of all this?!" You yell. Dad's eyes widen in surprise. You're irate at this point, and all caution has been blown to the wind. There are tears in your eyes and you're flailing your arms as you speak. The moving guys stare at the both of you while they pack up your families belongings. This only serves to make you more upset.

"Now, Jonathan, don't be rash..."

"What do you mean rash? I think my reaction's pretty warranted at this point! You can't just expect me to be happy about us being uprooted from our home, which I've lived in for 16 years, and moving to who-knows-where!"

"Texas, son"

"Moving to Texas! Not only are we moving out of Seattle, not only are we moving out of Washington, but we're moving to Texas of all places?! You couldn't have picked somewhere similar in climate like... Like..."

"Like Iowa?"

"Yes! And, Iowa's closer!" You shout. Tears well in your eyes and roll down your cheeks. You think of your friends and start to sob and shake. You can't believe that your father would just spontaneously move you from the north end of the country all the way down to the south. It's a different climate, political situation, and social setting. If you wanted to see your friends again, you'd have to fly or plan way far in advance. You clench my jaw as your cry, knotting your fingers into your hair. You can't believe that you have to abandon everything you had here and drop this bomb on your friends as its happening to you.

You can't believe your father would drop this bomb on you last minute, either.

"Son... I know this is going to be hard on you, as well as your friends, but this is an opportunity"

"An opportunity..? What do you mean, dad? I have so much going for me here, I have so many opportunities here, and now i have to rebuild it all in Texas... Around people I don't even know! In the midst of a new culture!"

"Son. I know this is tough, but you can handle it. I am so proud of you, Jonathan. So very proud."

You stare at him, waiting for an explanation, at the least. You would never come to terms with the violent uproot of your family, but you could come to terms with the reasoning behind it, if you only had said reasoning.

"My office offered me a better position down in Texas. Better pay, better placement for revenue, and they're compensating for part of the new house, since the offer and acceptance was so sudden. Your school should be about the same size, and we've been placed in a faster progressing city than Seattle, for the lack of a better term."

"How long...?"

"I've known for a month or two, son. I am so sorry."

Moving for work did make a lot of sense, considering that your father is a single dad, raising a teenage son, a college aged daughter, and taking care of his niece and nephew in the suburbs of Seattle. He had to rise up the corporate ladder somehow, and you weren't going to hold it against him.

You forgave him then, even though he wouldn't know until your life had turned around.

________________________________

You all arrive in Texas a bit later than expected, only to be met by a man in a suit. You don't understand how he could bear wearing that suit, due to it being the start of summer, in addition to being on the southern side of Texas, arguably one of the most southern states in the U.S.

And DAMN is it hot. The sweltering heat makes me feel like my skin is going to melt, even though I know that it's only 100 degrees or so, at the hottest. The heat is a dry heat, leaving less room for annoying sweat, but more for becoming unbearably thirsty.

The man gives your dad the keys to the new house, shaking his hand fairly firmly. You then notice two girls on the front doorstep of the house next to yours, looking up towards the roof of their household. It's then that you notice something odd about your new neighbors. and their house.

Specifically the fact that the roof is flat.

And there are two men, doing what looks like sword fighting, on said roof.

"John. I don't think our neighbors appreciate the staring. Why don't you go say hi to them? They look friendly enough." Your dad says, a smile adorning his face. You look at him, flabbergasted, then realize that he's not talking about the two guys strifing on the roof.

He's talking about the young ladies on the doorstep on the house. They're both blonde, and they both look fairly young. The shorter of the two starts to walk toward you first, followed by the tall, lanky one. You notice Jake going to converse with the taller of the two, effectively stopping her on her trek towards you.

"You must be our new neighbors," says the shorter girl. Her hair is cut in a short bob, and a purple headband adorns her crown. She wears dark makeup, and a dark dress.

"Uh, yeah," You reply. "I'm John Egbert. We just moved here from Seattle." You extend your arm so you guys can shake hands. Her grip is ginger, yet firm.

"I'm Rose Lalonde." She says, no trace of a southern lilt. "I moved here from New York a few years ago, when our financial status became troubling." Rose continues. She has a steady voice with really subtle inflection. It's easy on the ears without being monotonous. You can't help but think that it suits her. Her mother nods at her and heads off to speak to your dad.

"Who were those two guys on the roof? They looked like they were fighting?"

"Those two are my half-brothers, Dirk and Dave. We have the same mother, but Dirk is Dave's legal guardian for the time being. The other girl is my older sister, Roxy. She has a bit of an alcohol problem."

"Oh." You respond, dumbfounded. One mother and three siblings living in the same house. Their lives must be full to the brim with activity.

"Oh! Speaking of the devil, here's David himeself!"

"Goddamnit, Rose, I told you not to call me David. It makes me sound like some rich prick who sticks his pinkie up when he drinks his morning coffee, and that is definitely not me." The boy rambles. Dave has blonde hair, a long, but still round face, and a pointed nose. Freckles dust his cheekbones, and spatter his pale arms. He wears sunglasses and has bandages on his knuckles.

He's kinda cute...

WAit what where did that thought come from? You're not gay! You can feel your face heat up as you push the unwelcome thought deep down into the recesses of your mind. Bad brain.

You reach out to shake Dave's hand and he reaches out as well. However, when Dave's hand is mere centimeters from yours, he grabs your fingers and makes a fist for you. He then proceeds to bump your fists together. You notice his grip is light, like he's scared of making too much contact.

"Pro tip, dude. Don't shake hands with other high-schoolers. It's pretty lame. Save the boring adult greeting for the boring adults," he says, a vague southern twang seeping through the neutral accent he's trying to hold.

You shake your hand out, awkwardly eyeing the boy through his sunglasses. "So, uh. What grades are you guys in?" You ask, attempting to make conversation with the only potential friends you have around here.

"I'm about to be a junior at Santa Clara, the high school in this district." Rose says.

"Yeah, me too" spits Dave, after receiving a look from his sibling.

"Oh hey! We're going to the same school, which would be fairly obviously because we're neighbors, hehe.. but we're all in the same grade! Isn't that neat!" You exclaim, hoping to come off with as an enthusiastic new kid, not as some creepy guy who's trying a little bit too hard.

Because you are.

Trying too hard that is.

Dave gives me an odd look, then chuckles lightly.

"Dude, you really need to learn to tone down the excitability or people are gonna think that you're a NEET. I'm Dave, but you already know that." He sticks a fist out, presumably so that I can give it a bump like bros typically do. I lightly bump my knuckles against his, as is customary, and he gives me a nonchalant half-smile; almost a smirk.

"How about the other three? Are they also going to be attending school with us?" Rose asks.

"Oh, uh, no, actually. The girl with the shorter hair is my older sister, Jane. She's just here to help move and hang out for the summer. She's a business student at MIT, surprisingly. She's a sophomore and gets some pretty good grades."

"Woah, isn't MIT really hard to get into?" Dave asks. His eyebrows are raised so high that they almost disappear into his hairline. 

"Yeah, it has like, an 8 percent acceptance rate."

"That's really good for her, John. She must have worked really hard to get accepted."

"Uh-huh. Jake, on the other hand, is planning on attending a trade program to be an electrician or going to school for acting. He's not quite sure yet so right now he's just working at Wal-Mart."

Dave snorts. "I can see that ass in a yellow vest and khaki pants. It's almost perfect"

"Yeah, haha, I know"

You hear clattering and turn around. Jade and Bec are hurdling towards you almost frantically. She barrels into you, Dave, and Rose all while giggling. Bec jumps around, waiting to be played with. 

You look Dave in what you can only assume are his eyes before speaking. "This is Jade. She's my older cousin. She'll be going to school with us." 

Dave and Rose groan lightheartedly, and Jade finally gets off of the three of you. She brushes her clothes off and waves at the other two.

"Hi guys! I'm Jade, and this is Becquerel! I saw that you all were over here having a chat and I couldn't help but interject myself into the mix!"

"Ugh, yeah we can tell, Jade. Could've done without the while 'being knocked over' part."

Jade kinda looks down at the ground and shuffles her foot, before realizing what she really came over to do. She looks you dead in the eye and grabs your shoulders.

"Your dad said to hurry up the conversation so that we can unpack since the mover guys will be leaving here in a little bit!"

"In that case," Rose starts, " We should exchange contact information."

"Oh, yeah! That sounds like a good idea."

Rose hands you what looks like a business card, and you raise an eyebrow at her. She chortles, giving you a half wave in a "shrugging it off" manner.

"I took an introduction graphic design class as an elective, and we had to design business cards as one of our projects. They can come in handy when introducing yourself to people when you don't have the words to say"

You flip the card over and see what looks like a Chumhandle in a purple, script style typeface. It's elegant and impressive. Rose didn't strike you as much of a designer, but it seems like she put a lot of work into it.

"It, uh... It looks really nice!" You say, awkwardly scratching at the back of my head. She smiles, seeming to understand the compliment through all the foggy, first meeting awkwardness. When you go to ask Dave about his Chumhandle, he takes a different approach. He brandishes a bright red Crayola marker and starts pulling the cap off. He grabs your arm and looks up in my general direction, probably as a subtle ask for permission. You snort and give a small nod, noticing the small smirk that spreads across his mouth as he scrawls the letters on your slightly tanned arm. 

You start to examine the two more closely as Dave works his magic with the washable marker on your arms. Dave is really pale, and you can see a smattering of freckles go across his exposed skin. How pale he is is somewhat surprising, considering the climate they live in, but you've never been the type to judge. Rose is also pale, but not as pale as Dave is. Where Rose seems like the type of girl to wear a sunhat or take an umbrella outside to keep her skin safe from the sun, Dave is so pale that if he were to be any more pale, he would be translucent.

Dave pulls away from your arm and puts the cap back on the marker. He looks satisfied with his work and as you look down you can see why. He wrote his Chumhandle in rough, angular letters and drew some sort of gear pattern around it. It was really aesthetically pleasing, and you make a mental note to take a picture of it when you get back into my house. You're honestly really surprised that he didn't draw a bunch of dicks on your arm, but you're actually really glad that he didn't. 

The other girl, who you presume is Roxy, walks back to the house and turns around to shout at her siblings. She squints up at the sun and shields her eyes, and she braces herself against the house.

"Daaaaaaveee!!! Roooooseee!!! You guys said we'd watch some mooovies when I woke up and took some Tylenol! Don't leave me all alone or I'll have to cuddle Mutie and Jaspers while crying and watching The Little Mermaid all alone!"

Dave and Rose turn around at the sound of the other girl, and Rose waves goodbye before hastily making her way back to her house. Dave looks back and forth between the House and me, before shaking his head.

"No way in hell am I letting Roxy and Rose hog those cats all to themselves. Fuckin pussy hoarders."

You snort and clutch your stomach, laughing so hard it starts to make your muscles hurt. Dave pats you on the back, gives Jade a high five, and starts to walk away. 

"See you on the flip side, NEET."

"Have a good day, John."

"Bye Dave, Bye Rose!"

"Later guys!"

You and Jade walk towards the house to help the rest of your family unpack. She pokes your shoulder and frowns slightly. You roll your eyes as as she tugs on your sleeve.

"They didn't give me their chumhandles, John."

"They probably didn't think about it very much."

"I'm still jealous"

You roll your eyes. Again.

This is going to be a long couple of days.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this story, please check out my profile and consider donating to me! I'm just a poor college student and any support will go a long way. I love you guys, make sure your brain cells don't overheat!


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